An Introvert’s Guide to the Holidays: Gift Shopping

Between the crowded malls, picky receivers, and general lack of ideas of what to get someone, gift shopping is a bit of a nightmare. So here are my steps to a successful day!

1. Get mentally psyched up for it. CHRISTMAS! YES! FINALLY! Drink 4 cups of coffee and immediately regret it because you can’t stop shaking.
2. On the ride to the mall, think of everyone you have to buy for.
3. Panic because that’s a lot of people and you don’t know what to get them.
4. Come up with some ideas of what to get them.
5. Panic because you have no money.
6. Realize you missed the turn/exit/subway stop to get to the mall because you were panicking.
7. Panic because you missed your stop.
8. Actually arrive at the mall, finally.
9. Realize just how crowded it is, because there ARE LITERALLY NO OPEN PARKING SPACES, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.
10. Find a parking space, but it’s a half hour walk from the mall.
11. walk to the mall and freeze your ass off, because CANADA.
12. Get to the mall, realize that your caffeine has worn off and you feel dead, locate the closest coffee shop and reprioritize based on your caffeine needs.
13. Get coffee. Feel better.
14.  Look at the mall map, and realize that you really suck at interpreting maps.
15. Start going through stores. Realize you can barely breathe because there are so many freaking people.
16. Panic
17. PANIC
18. Get more coffee to calm yourself down. Realize it did the opposite. Think you can fly.
19. Pledge to switch to tea.
20. Start shopping again. While waiting in line, feel someone knock your purse. Check it to make sure nothing was stolen.
21. Panic because you can’t find your wallet.
22. Find your wallet in a different pocket.
23. Get to the front of the line.
24. Realize you’re about 10 cents off in change, decide to pay with debit.
25. Cringe at the $3 charge to pay with debit.
26. Try to exit the store, set off the alarm.
27. Panic
28. Realize it was someone who ACTUALLY stole something that set off the alarm.
29. Feel the wave of relief wash over you.
30. Look at your watch, and decide to get lunch because it’s 1 pm and you’ve only had coffee.
31. Decide to get chicken soup, because chicken soup is calming, right? right??
32. Get run into, spilling the soup all down your front while trying to find a table.
33. Use a hand dryer in an overcrowded washroom to try to dry out your top.
34. Realize you smell like chicken.
35. Go to a bath supply place and try to hide the smell with fruity body spray.
36. Smell like a mixture of a 6th-grade dance and the caf at your high school.
37. Give up on lunch, go back to shopping.
38. Somehow end up in a bookstore.
39. Buy yourself some stuff, because you’ve earned it.
40. Look at your watch, and realize you only have an hour or so to go.
41. Buy someone a fuzzy blanket. Cringe when it costs $50.
42. Sit down, because you’re exhausted.
43. Have someone approach you and try to sell you something.
44. Buy it because you feel guilty.
45. Realize you’ll literally never use whatever it was you just bought.
46. Give up. Decide to go home.
47. Fight against the hoards of people to get out of the mall.
48. Finally breathe when you get back in your car.
49. Drive home.
50. Collapse on your couch. realize you didn’t actually finish your Christmas shopping
51. Grab your laptop and order everything online, thanking a higher power for online shopping and wishing you had just done that to begin with.
52. Pass out on the couch, pledge to never return to the mall again. Conveniently forget this next year.